The Realities of Bullies and Physical Assaults
(Whether You're 8 or 80!)
By Arnie Lipson
Well, out of all the articles I have written, this will be one of the more controversial ones. Mainly, because it lacks the political correctness of today's times. I have viewed this growing problem personally as a victim, a victor, and a concerned parent. I feel compelled to apply my personal experience, law enforcement experience, and personal security training to this rather touchy topic.
During the last week of January 2004, the Oprah Winfrey Show offered us a realistic view of bullies, and physical assaults in action. After being fed up with the lack of action taken by the school system, the parents of one victim demanded and got a functional video camera on their son's school bus. The assault that took place against this youngster was appalling. He was struck repeatedly by several other kids after the first one threw an unprovoked punch into his face. The victim just remained seated and took the beating. It may have been out of fear of being hurt further, or fear that he himself would be suspended by the school system for fighting off the bully, or perhaps both. Yeah, I know, "zero tolerance", two wrongs don't make a right, and so on. Meanwhile, this policy isn't helping this boy who goes through one or more of these assaults on a daily basis. Where are the policies, the school system, and his help? Do they just HOPE things will get better?
Security expert Jim Grover, whom I've personally worked with for many years put it best. "Hope? You had better learn to hate hope. I HOPE the school will do something. I HOPE the bully doesn't come to school today, I HOPE he doesn't hurt me too badly. I HOPE a teacher, or an adult or the police come. HOPE won't save these victims. Only they can save themselves when everyone else has failed them."
I have seen anti-bully material from the school system. It offers some good suggestions that should be applied PRIOR to resorting to a physical confrontation. You should attempt to walk away, talk it out, and the like. However, there comes a time when an individual MUST fend off a physical assault in progress. There IS a proper time to resort to physical force for self-defense, regardless of our age or where we are attacked. The laws of our land still provide all of us with that undeniable right, provided we do all that we can to prevent the confrontation, and only use that amount of force necessary to end the attack. I have seen NO literature to this affect. What our children are told in the rules of conduct is that NO physical force against another will be tolerated regardless of the circumstances. Defend yourself from an assault, and you are kicked out of school for fighting. Period. It becomes difficult for a youngster to talk out his problems rationally while being beaten up by four thugs. Especially when there's a fist in his mouth. It's like talking a charging bull out of charging. The conflict resolution lingo is" You know, what you're doing right now makes me feel bad and you should stop." The bully WANTS to make his victim feel bad. That's his or her goal. Experience has taught me that a line like that just prior to a physical assault will GUARANTEE a physical assault.
Political correctness and the constant protection of criminals and bullies of any age have given rise a change in the way these people think. They have no feeling for any other human being. They don't feel bad about what they do. Only getting caught. Yet, even getting caught has not proven to deter them. Suspension for a bully means days off from classes that they are likely to be failing anyway. Perhaps they have problems at home. Maybe they feel alienated for some reason, or have no friends and need attention. Put simply, IT DOESN’T MATTER. Not when they choose to brutalize others because they have low self-esteem. Those problems are for the parents and the school counselors to figure out and resolve. Not your child, who may bear the brunt of the bully's problems.
The bottom line for your child or even an adult is this: Once a physical assault is immanent or in progress, you MUST fight back. There is no proof that giving in to a physical assault will prevent or end one. On the contrary, the more physical assaults continue without consequence. The worse they are likely to become.
Bullies and similar criminals admit that they look for the easy mark. They go for the one least likely to fight back. Even animals go for the weakest link. Most attacks are halted when dominant resistance is met. If it doesn't halt when you fight back, then you must do whatever needs to be done to end it for self-preservation. If a thug loses a fight, he may want to get revenge and bring a weapon to school the next day. It is the job of the school and the parents to get this menace out of the school immediately before this can happen, leaving the victim to stay in school and continue their education unhindered, and without fear.
Keep in mind, I am not advocating anyone resorting to physical force before all of the other options are exhausted. I am talking about immanent and immediate physical danger. We cannot continue to train our youth to be good victims. They will learn to be victims as adults. Ideas like "It's NEVER appropriate to fight", "Zero tolerance", and "Self-defense will only get you hurt more." will leave them as sheep among the wolves.
Of course, we want to raise civil and well-adjusted children. We never want our kids to be bullies or be subject to a bully. So what practical advice can we give them that is useful considering today's upside down and backward 'rules of engagement'?
- Have a good network of friends and hang with them at school.
- Learn proper conflict resolution skills and apply them when appropriate. BEFORE a
physical assault begins.
- Stand tall, be alert and confident. Don't look like an easy mark.
- Involve parents, teachers, school staff and law enforcement IMMEDIATELY if a
problem is starting. Even if it doesn't prevent an assault, it will provide good
documentation that you did all you could do prior to defending yourself.
- Learn to hate hope. Do what you need to stay safe.
- Don't think the bully cares about you or how you feel. If they did, this wouldn't be
happening.
- Don't try to apply your morals and beliefs to the bully. He or she doesn't have any. If
they did, this wouldn't be happening. The blame is on the upbringing of the bully and
a system that protects them instead of giving them what they deserve.
- It's NOT your fault.
- Learn practical self-protection skills and if under attack, use them aggressively! Then
get away and report the incident to the school and the police.
- NEVER BACK DOWN or give up if physically attacked. You may be hurt badly,
and they WILL continue to assault you regularly.
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